Who are you really voting for?

By David DiPetrillo

In contrast to the running opposition: Joe Biden, who has spent more years of his life in the senate than outside of it, Sarah Palin will take with her to the White House the experience of two years as Alaska Governor and six years of playing mayor to the 5,000 citizens of Wasilla, Alaska.

Growing up in conservative Idaho, Palin’s father would take her out moose hunting; a delightfully bloody sport she still enjoys in her free time. She collected classic American values such as capital punishment, cutting taxes, the freedom of gun toting, and gay bashing. We find her to be a deeply complex individual. As a member of Feminists for Life, she finds abortion “an atrocity” and believes it should be illegal unless the birth would be fatal to the mother. Irrelevant of course is the potential emotional or mental fatality that could occur in the mother in the case where the pregnancy is from incest or rape.

Adorable optimists, Sarah Palin and buddy John McCain believe in tax cuts, making jobs, making babies (not together), winning the “war on terror,” making the economy work, and making education work. And they have the balls to tell us they’re going to do it. They’re going to cut general funding 130 million dollars. You know all that socialism-type crap: schools and transportation and prescription drugs and homes for the old people. But now they’re only going to cut 123 million bucks. They’re going to leave us 7 million! Aren’t they sweet? Invertebrate Obama is unwilling to promise us that. He’s so timidly rational, so dully logical. We all know the words of a politician are BS anyway. The only thing we can trust in this matter is our gut. I get a good gut feeling from Palin, don’t you? I mean seriously. I get a good gut feeling at least three times a day. We want a sensational dynamic duo to wow us; to offer us “reform, prosperity, and peace” on a silver platter. Only a fool could deny the era of total prosperous peace that the folks with that campaign slogan are going to obviously bring! Fellow voters, in your wayward glance, you’re not going to look at the two humble democratic dorks. You’re looking at the hot chick with the specs. She’s got to be smart right? Who has time for really paying attention to these guys anyway? The economy is crap. WaMu stole my money, then some dude in India stole my job, so I’m kind of busy looking for another one at the moment. Anyhow, Palin and the old guy are totally going to fix all that. Obama says something, I guess, but it’s all this mumbo jumbo, fancy, city-boy, elitist blah blah blah lingo. I want a dude like me running this country. I want a dude I could get a beer with and maybe we’d shoot some moose. Better yet, I want a hot chick.

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