Keep going, there’s always a reason

May 23, 2008, almost one full year ago. A day that I will always remember.

It didn’t start of as anything resembling particularly extraordinary for me, but by the end of the day, my whole life had changed. At around 7:32 PM on that day, I was admitted to a hospital as the EMT’s worked frantically to fill me with enough charcoal to bond and stop the 300 pills floating around my system.

May 23, 2008 was the day I tried to commit suicide.

I had become someone so depressed that even my best days I still went to bed miserable. I felt lethargic in life, almost useless. I was searching for something, anything to cling on to, and every time I came close to something, I felt as though it would slip through my fingers. I was employed, but not happy with it. I was a high school dropout, and going nowhere in life.

This piece, however, isn’t about my problems. It’s about the realizations I came to on the third or fourth day I was in the hospital, and the ones I’ve made since then. The first was that it wasn’t worth it to do those things to myself. The cutting myself, the other things I did to hurt myself, none of it was worth it.

This realization was preceded by the shame and guilt I felt when my family and the few people I cared about found out what I had done, and I think that’s what made me realize it. It started with me vowing to myself I would never purposefully put them through it again. If I was to get hit by a car, that’s one thing, but I couldn’t imagine doing something to put the same look on their faces again.

So then, ever so slowly, I started to make my life better. I quit my job and started working someplace I love. I discovered and now believe in love. I got my GED and enrolled in Bellevue College. I got rid of the people in my life that had been holding me down and reconnected with people I’d pushed away that really did care for me.

Then, recently, I came to the biggest realization of all. Everyone is his or her own fate to a certain degree. There’s always going to be things you can’t control, whether it is by luck, chance, etc. What I mean by this, though, is that not everything happens for a reason. I’m sure there’s a reason to some things, but definitely not to everything.

I think John Lennon said it best when he said, “I believe, sincerely, as soon as people want peace and are aware they can have it, they will have it. The only trouble is: they’re not aware they can get it.” I take this to not only mean peace with the world, but peace with yourself.

It’s really true. I’ve found myself so much better off since I started thinking that I am happy. Since I stopped spending so much time being miserable, and shifted that focus instead on being happy, and making my life better. As long as you can look yourself in the mirror and say honestly that you do your best to be a good person, then you are.

It’s not about what anyone else thinks about you. It’s not about if other people approve of the clothes you wear, the piercings you have or don’t have, the tattoos you have or don’t have, the music you do or don’t listen to, I really think life is best when you just be yourself. Hell, if you want to wear a cape to work, do it. Unless they’ll fire you for it. In which case, it’s a bad choice and I’d recommend not wearing said cape.

Anyways, I know it may be cliché, but everyone’s life really is precious. Each and every person on this planet is unique, with his or her own likes, and dislikes, and it’s wonderful. I don’t really have a message to any of this, but if you really want one, I guess mine would be: smile. It feels good.

The above piece is published anonymously, per the request of the author.

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