Normally I would take this time to rant about how much I despise you, or express to you how much I despise Carlos Mencia.
But the truth is I don’t have anything against you (don’t get me wrong, though, I have a lot of things against Carlos Mencia).
But, Comedy, I like you. You have brought me hours upon hours of enjoyment. So now you might be thinking, “Alright but what are you doing writing to me in a curse column then?”
Well, you see, I wanted to let you know how truly sorry I feel for you. Although the last eight years might have seemed like they were the best years of your life, I assure you that the next eight will bring loads of material to poke fun at as well.
Yes, I know that we no longer have that giant man-child for a president. I mean his facial bone structure alone could give you an hour of brilliant material. But there is no need to fret, because I have compiled a list of things that you could potentially use if all else fails.
1. Glen Beck. Believe it or not I used to be able to tolerate his crazy antics, but ever since he made the switch to Fox News he has been absolutely insane. I was thinking you could make some sort of reference to him crying on his show or his constant references to “tea-bagging the white house” during the whole no-tax craze.
2. Over sized bags. Yes, at first glance there is nothing funny about an over sized bag, but take a closer look, and realize there could be. Think about it: You could say something like, “ I saw a lady with an over-sized bag and I was like, ‘why would anyone need a bag that big?’ And then all of the sudden a grown man came tumbling out.”
3. Ryan Seacrest. This one is rather self explanatory
4. Rachel Ray. Did you know that she has a stand-up show? Ha, who am I kidding of course you know. But seriously, how did this happen, and why hasn’t anyone made fun of it yet! This one should be top priority. I suggest you give it to Lewis Black, I can just image him flailing his little arms.“Rachel Ray has a stand up show! Rachel Ray the one with the cooking and the cute nicknames for every goddamn thing in a kitchen! Rachel Ray having a stand up special is like me running around with my D*** out at an Olive Garden.” It’s only funny because of how wrong it is, and it should only happen once.
Once again these are just back ups, and I truly hope that you will never have to use them. I want you to remember that even though people are making President Barack Obama out to be some sort of saint, he is just a man, and as far as I am concerned, fair game. So do what you do best: Find his flaws, call him out, when he slips up, go ahead and make some witty remark and make everyone laugh. Because the truth is that Comedy, without you to make us aware of our surroundings and also make us laugh well, we would be ever more worse off then we are now!